In the previous post I wrote about things that are helping me maintain a semblance of sanity. Here, I’m noting down some tips and ideas that are of help while dealing with Rumi.
- Temper Tantrums
Temper tantrums are a result of and also result in great frustration. Rumi gets frustrated because she wants to do an activity on her own but is unable to do so, or she is trying hard to tell me something but I am unable to understand it. I get frustrated because I am trying hard to make sense of a lot of gibberish, knowing all the while that with every ticking minute, it’s getting worse and worse. While tantrums are sometimes triggered off by the most random, unexpected, hilarious things that we cannot always predict, there are a few things that have helped me control Rumi’s tantrums effectively.
The first cardinal rule is to never, ever laugh at a tantrum. Sometimes we can’t help it, the whole thing seems sooo funny to us – Rumi flat on the floor because the large block wouldn’t balance on top of the small block, but to her, it is a very real, serious thing. No matter how trivial it is, it helps to make eye contact and listen seriously like you would to an adult. So whenever you sense a tantrum coming up, sit your toddler at eye level and talk to them in a firm but loving tone (they can pick up on your impatience and irritability like magic and it makes things worse).
Encourage your child to talk about feelings and emotions. A really fantastic book that helped us with this is “Happy” by Mies van Hout. It has gorgeous illustrations and one word emotions such as “curious” and “jealous” and “brave”. We started using it when Rumi was 18 months old and decided upon an action for each word. Now Rumi uses the book very well to tell us that she is “angry” or “irritated” using the book as reference. Older children can also be asked to draw how they are feeling.
Also, I always ask Rumi to choose between two things to eat, wear etc. rather than ask her an open ended question such as “What do you want to eat?” as such questions very often lead to frustration on her part as she doesn’t quite know how to frame the answer. Moreover, this way she can be guided (manipulated?!) into doing something I want her to do rather than getting her own way by replying “chocolates”! And she feels like she gets to choose.
I have never used a naughty mat or chair in the corner, though many parents find it to be an effective tool for controlling misbehavior. I have found that in this age, Rumi really needs me to be around when she is losing it and leaving her alone has often aggravated things. Also, she doesn’t really quite get why kicking or hitting is wrong, she is merely doing different things to see our reaction, more than make us mad. However, if you find yourself losing your cool, it is a good idea to leave the room for a few minutes and then come back and hold your child.
- Picky Eating
I have written a whole, separate post on mealtime tussles in our house (read it here) and can still go on and on about fussy eating habits.
One thing I have really learned is to stop focusing on the weight chart as a health development milestone and focus on good eating habits that will hopefully stay with Rumi for life. I grew up eating most of my meals in front of the TV and I honestly still like to do that, but I want things to be different for Rumi. I want mealtimes to become family time, where we eat at the table and talk about the day. I want Rumi to try new foods and new flavours instead of serving a one-bowl meal that I stuff into her mouth while she is watching something on my phone. This is really hard for the grandmoms to get; the MIL keeps on saying that “hya vayaat mula ashich khatat” (this is how all kids eat at this age) whereas my mom flat out refuses to listen to me and does exactly what she likes (iPad, games, everything and anything that makes Rumi mindlessly open her mouth is allowed). It really makes them feel good that Rumi has finished off an entire bowl and my feeble attempts at explaining how she had only chatkor chapatti at home but ate the bhaji happily is like water off a duck’s back.
And this is the big problem with parenting: how do you really know what is indeed the best thing? I have experienced my heart falling into my shoes on more than one occasion when I see plumper babies and see how small Rumi is in comparison. But the pediatrician and common sense (in the form of my husband’s voice) usually come to the rescue and I can see that skinny need not be synonymous with unhealthy.
And although, it is really tempting to watch TV during dinnertime, especially since Masterchef Australia and Friends are on, I try my best to convince myself that good eating habits are worth investing in, in the long run. So, at least four times a week, we eat at the table and Rumi eats whatever we eat, at dinnertime. She is allowed to use her fingers, slurp, lick and yes, drop a little too. There is plenty of time for table manners later.
- Bedtime Battles
Rumi hates to be taken to the dark, quiet bedroom and leave all the excitement and light and TV outside. What with all that boundless energy, waiting for her to tire herself out would probably mean waiting until the wee hours of the morning. On the other hand, it is not possible to expect my husband or other members of the family to turn off all the lights and get into bed at nine. The trick, we learned, is to make the whole bedtime ritual a lot more fun by including some activities that are especially reserved for bedtime so that it becomes something to look forward to.
For example, we have an owl hand-puppet from Hamleys that only comes out at night for storytelling. Also, some favorite books are reserved for bedtime. (Love you Forever by Robert Munsch is a big hit here!). Special dinosaur pajamas, radium stars on the ceiling or a musical night lamp, anything that makes bedtime fun and interesting works.
Also, once Rumi is in the bedroom, I don’t really fret about what time she actually falls asleep. I allow her to wind down at her own pace – she is allowed to indulge in quiet activities like drawing, looking at her picture cards or playing with her pillows till her eyes start to close.
This ‘bedroom time’ has really helped her associate ‘getting into pajamas’ with something that is positive and fun rather than dull and boring.
- Multimedia Clashes
I want to say right at the outset that I am very, very against kids using tablets and phones and the like. My husband likes to download different Apps for Rumi and loves to see her excitement when she uses them but I hate to see her with her nose almost touching her iPad, oblivious to sounds around her, stuck to one place for hours. I hate it when people exclaim and find it clever that she unlocks and swipes the iPad screen with ease and goes to whichever App she wants. (‘intuitive learning’ beams my husband and I just want to throw the damn thing out of the window!).
I know, I know that “technology is a tool” and a “powerful” one and that it can be used very effectively when used “wisely”. But it is just so damn addictive! How can a poor blank sheet of paper and a few crayons hope to compete with a screen filled with colors, sounds and touch? Once kids are hooked on to it, there are very few other things that they’d rather do.
There is lots of research that speaks against the use of electronic media for children but again, a lot of evidence to show how it benefits children so there is really no solution to the ongoing debate in our house but compromise.
We have not introduced Rumi to the TV or to cartoons yet. My husband is dying to take her for a movie so that’ll probably happen this week on one of their ‘dates’. Rumi loves to watch songs on the iPad and videos on our phones. I try to limit such things to “emergency” situations like doctors’ waiting rooms or long car trips.
In my opinion, TV or games on the phone should never be offered as rewards. They should also never become an integral part of the child’s schedule, where the timing of a particular show decides where to eat, when to head out etc. Naturally, this means doing it yourself first. I cannot zonk out with the remote control in hand and expect Rumi to sit down with a book. To try and avoid using the TV and phone as much as I can, I have one night a week I sit up to plan activities for every day of the week (this is the same time I plonk down in front of the TV and watch to my heart’s content!).
My take on this: limit TV, phone and tablet time as far as possible and lead by example!
- Dressing Dramas
For all the wisdom that I have passed on in the points above, I have absolutely no gyaan here because the dressing dramas at our place have reached an all-time new low: they include not just the half an hour spent in running behind the child like a screaming banshee brandishing her shorts and T-shirts in the air, but Rumi wailing and insisting that she and I BOTH remain “nangu”. And let me just be very clear here: my husband and I are not nudists and we do not remain naked within the private confines of our apartment so I have no idea in hell how she has got that! It’s bad enough that she wants to be nangu all the time but to point at me and scream “Nangu ho na” in a park? Words fail me. Any advice or input would be much appreciated!